Squished
by Xiaolink Volumen
Summary: You weren't saying that a minute ago! That's because I didn't know I was groping a lunatic!
1. Chapter 1

Ah, dang. Where the hell did this come from? I was bored, and thought of this one Hellsing fic I read once, so here it is! BTW, I was watching the end credits for "Tales of Symphonia" and it came to Regal's voice actor. I looked, and started laughing my head off! Crispin Freeman! Alucard! Tsume! And probably Brago from "Zatch Bell!" And then James Arnold Taylor did the voice over for Gnome and Yggdrasill! AKA Tidus or Ratchet or Kiba too, I think! XO

-

"So, tell me again. How did we get in here?"

"Beats me. I seem to recall a certain someone trying to sneak up on me, and slipping."

"Uh… Wasn't it Oogie Boogie and his bugs?"

"No, it **wasn't**. But I've always wondered something. How is it that he can exist as a giant bag of bugs in a burlap sack?

"I don't know, and I don't care. Is there a way out from the inside?"

"No clue."

"How are we getting out of here?"

"No clue."

"Is there a way to open this?"

"No, probably not. Places like this usually don't have a way out."

"Move. Shove over."

"I kinda can't, you know."

"Well, try! There's something digging into my back!"

"There's no room in here!"

"Just move over there—"

"No, wait, there's a—AACK!"

"Now, go that way—"

"OW! There's a shelf there, you know!"

"Duck, idiot!"

"No, you move!"

"Aah! Don't shove me—"

(Both) "Aaaah!"

"…Oh… shit…"

"Ow… my poor back…"

"Get off me. Now."

"I can't. There's something pinning me down!"

"There is no way I'm going to wait for someone to find us when you're on top of me like that!"

"I can't help it!"

"If you'd just moved the way I'd told you—"

"Oh, so this is all my fault?"

"Yes!"

"Like I said, something's pinning me down!"

"Rrrrgh… this can't be happening…"

"Well, it is. So deal."

"You're telling me to deal, when I've got someone who probably weighs twice as much as me laying on top of me! YOU MORON!"

"Damn, it echoes in here!"

"Not my fault!"

"If you hadn't been insisting on scaring me…."

"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!"

"Denial. You just wanted to get stuck in a broom closet with me, didn't you, Riku?"

"Ansem. You. PERVERT! What the hell is your problem! What are you, queer!"

"No, but I get the feeling you are!"

"Huh?"

"Do you know where your hand is?"

"What? Where… AAH! OH MY GOD! GET ME OUT OF HERE! SOMEONE! ANYONE! I feel so contaminated!"

"What? It couldn't have been that horrible!"

"Well, no, but—Aah! What am I saying!"

"Hehehe…"

"That's a really creepy laugh! Quit it!"

"Hehehe…"

"I'm serious! Stop it!"

"Hehehe…"

"AAGH! GET OFF ME!"

(Thunk)

"Ow! Riku, stop—"

"No! I'm getting out of here if it's the last thing I do!"

"Ow! Quit it! OW!"

"Move your fat ass!"

"You weren't saying that a minute ago!"

"That's because I didn't know I was groping a lunatic! Now move!"

"I'm not a lunatic! I won't move until you say sorry!"

"Ansem, move. Or I swear…"

"You'll what?"

"Raah!"

"OW! You bastard! That was way below the belt!"

"There're more like it if you don't move!"

"You little shit! Take that!"

"OW! Dammit!"

"Oh, hell!"

"Hey, wait! Something spilled—oh damn!"

"Aaah!"

"Whoa!"

"... ... …Again. How can this happen twice in one day?"

"Easily, it seems. Why are you complaining? You're on top this time."

"That's not the point!"

"Hehehe…"

"Don't start that again!"

"Hehehe…"

"That's it!"

Maleficent warily approached the shaking broom closet door. There were unpleasant sounds floating from underneath, mostly suppressed cries. She took a deep breath, and steeled herself to open the door. She laid a hand on the doorknob, and yanked it open. Her eyes bugged and her jaw dropped as she saw what was inside.

Riku was sitting atop Ansem, holding Ansem's arms down with one hand and trying to strangle him with the other. Ansem's face was in shadow, so Maleficent didn't see the evil grin he flashed Riku.

"Maleficent! Help me! He's trying to rape me!" he cried, still grinning.

"What! You bastard!" Riku snarled. "Maleficent, this isn't what it looks like, I swear…"

"So why are you sitting on me?"

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"

Maleficent cautiously backed away, and fled the library, trying desperately to ignore the sounds that followed her.

-

A/N: Hehehehe… that was fun to write! This was inspired by the fic "In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires" by Bishounen no Hime, in case you're reading this. I love that fic! And yes, I like the ever-elusive AnsemRiku pairings. If anyone knows of any other than "Taste of the Dead," let me know in a review! Hmm… I might continue this…. XD


	2. Chapter 2

Hehehe… it has returned! This was too much fun to write to just let it sit in the bin of oneshots. I'm glad everyone likes this! XD I'd use other pairings, as a reviewer suggested, but for some reason AnsemRiku pairings are the only ones I can stand to write. o.O;; Unless you all would endure Ansem/Sephiroth. XD Course, then I'd die of Bishounen-Overload.

-

"Again. Once again, we're stuck in some stupid place."

"At least we're not in a closet again."

"Like this is better?"

"Well, this time I don't have to get you to come out of the closet."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Ooo, language, Riku!"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Right now."

"Hehehe…"

"Don't you DARE start that laughing again!"

"Hehehe… OW!"

"Serves you right, you moron."

"You will pay for that!"

"Oh yeah? How?"

"Like this!"

"Huh? Aah!"

"…How d'you like them apples?"

"They're very sour. Now get off me, I can't breathe."

"What do you mean by that!"

"Well, come on. I'm a fifteen-year-old kid. You're twice my size. You must weigh close to two hundred. Of course I can't breathe!"

"Just for that, I'm gonna…"

"Gonna what? … … …Ansem."

"What?"

"I'm going to kill you. Very, very painfully."

"Oh, come on. You can't deny that I'm talented at that."

"… … …"

"You aren't saying anything."

"I'm not going to."

"You just did."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

"Oh, I will, Ansem. I will."

"Pff. I'd like to see you try—mmph!"

"Ha ha. Two can play at that game, you fag."

"I only did that to make you stop whinging. You had no motive whatsoever."

"Yes, I did! I—wait a second. It's dark in here."

"Congratulations! You can tell the difference between light and dark! Give the kid a prize!"

"No, I mean—Aah! Ansem let go of me!"

"No."

"What? Why!"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"If I let you go, you'll try to strangle me again. Or worse."

"Oh, come off it! I will not!"

"Swear?"

"Rrrgh…. Fine. I swear."

"Okay… but how can I trust you?"

"Say WHAT?"

"Do everything exactly as I say, and I'll get off you."

"Rrrr…"

"Say… you pork donkeys!"

"I will do no such thing!"

"Okay, then. I guess I'll just stay put…."

"Ansem, you bastard! Fine… I pork donkeys."

"You what? I can't hear you."

"How the hell can you not hear me! My mouth is less than three feet away from your ear!"

"Louder, Riku! Or…"

"Or what? AAAH! ANSEM! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE! RIGHT NOW!"

Almost fearful of what she might find this time, Maleficent cautiously approached the secret room in the library. She picked up the book, and set it in the appropriate slot. The bookcase slid open, and once again, she gave the "Deer-in-the-headlights" look. Ansem was lying atop Riku with his hand down his shirt, and Riku was squirming madly.

"Uh… Ansem?" she said tentatively.

Ansem's head whipped around, and he felt his face redden. "I wasn't doing anything!" he cried, hastily standing. "Nothing happened!"

Behind Ansem, Riku grinned maliciously. Time for a little revenge.

"Oh, yes you were!" he said, evincing an angry glare from Ansem. "Maleficent, if you heard some of what he was saying to me, your ears would bleed."

"No! Don't believe that little runt!" Ansem snarled, glaring at Riku.

Maleficent looked from one to the other with a horrified look on her face. Then she ran screaming from the library.

-

Hehehe… this is just getting too much fun… XD The donkey porking stuff I got from X-Play's "Splinter Cell Co-Op Theatre." Does anyone out there watch X-Play? My friend Rune told me about this at a summertime band practice. I think her cousin and her friend thought it up. I tweaked it to fit KH. I hope they don't mind.

(Sora, Riku, and Ansem meet on the street. They stare at each other)

Riku (staring at Ansem): I thought you were dead!

Ansem (staring at Riku): I thought **you **were dead!

Sora: I'm alive!

Riku and Ansem: Shut up, Sora. No one's talking to you.


	3. Chapter 3

Hehehe… XD

-

"AAGH! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!"

"Oh, come on, Riku. You're talking like you hate it."

"That's because I do! I'm not a pervert like you!"

"You wound me to the quick. Just for that, I won't kiss you anymore."

"Thank god!"

"What, you think I'm bad at it?"

"Well… uh…"

"Hehehe…"

"Goddammit! You're gonna lose your family jewels if you keep laughing like that!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Thank you. Now shut up so I can think."

"…Donkey porker…"

"SHUT UP!"

"I can't even fathom how we got here in the first place. I mean, come on. How in the hell?"

"I don't know, and I don't care! I just want to get out of here so I can stop being crammed into uncomfortably small places with a horny faggot!"

"Mleah. Screw you."

"You'd just love to, wouldn't you?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"And no matter what you wish, I am not gay."

"You just enjoy torturing me in uncomfortably sexual ways."

"No, I just like torturing you."

"In sexual ways."

"NO, NOT in sexual ways! Just whatever way happens to be available!"

"Which are usually sexual."

"What is it with you and sexual forms of torture? Unless you're… Ugh! Riku, I never knew! I didn't want to, either!"

"Huh?"

"Think about it: SEXUAL TORTURE?"

"What? I don't—Aah! I am not!"

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!"

"Okay… still don't trust you…"

"Shouldn't that be my line?"

"How are we getting out of here? Maleficent is otherwise engaged, specifically at Agrabah, and there's no one else in the entire castle."

"Oh, now you're acting sensible?"

"Somebody has to. And I don't think we can rely on someone who porks donkeys and has an affinity for sexual torture."

"Look, shut up about that, okay? You made me say that stuff about the donkeys, and _your_ dirty mind came up with the sexual torture!"

"Can we just try to get out of here? This is closer than even the broom closet."

"Fine. Now, move..."

"Which way?"

"Over there—ahh!"

"Riku!"

"It's not my fault! I tripped over your great huge feet! Get your arm away from my shoulders!"

"Okay, this time, _I'm_ directing the movements."

"Fine! I just want out!"

"You and me both. Now, move this way…"

"Okay…"

"And then over here…"

"Uh-huh…"

"Now… uh… um. Maybe this won't work."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, I just realized that this door doesn't open from the inside."

"Well, of course it doesn't! It's the door to a pantry!"

"Maybe if we rammed into it…"

"Would that work?"

"Worth a shot. Ready… steady… GO!

(Slam)

"Ow… my aching shoulder…"

"You weakling!"

"Okay then, Mr. Tough Guy! You bust it down!"

"Heh… watch this!"

(SLAM!)

"Ow… sonofabitch…"

"Hehehe… you couldn't break it down either, could you?"

"Goddamn! Are all the doors in this damn castle made of solid stone? The hell?"

"Ha ha. The mighty Ansem defeated by a door."

"I could say the same to you, smartass."

"Hmm… point taken. So how are we getting out of here?"

"Um…"

"Hmm… Ah, shit. This isn't getting us anywhere."

"Hey Ansem? What are you leaning on?"

"Huh? A—Whoops!"

(Thunk)

"You moron. You were leaning on a broomstick, weren't you?"

"Grr… who keeps a broomstick in a pantry anyway? Ow."

"What did you do?"

"Barked my hand on something."

"Idiot."

"Hey, do you smell something?"

"Like what?"

"Like I don't know, but it smells… I dunno… like Crisco…"

"Where? I don't—Whoa!"

"… … …"

"Well… this is… awkward."

"At best."

"Right then."

"Huh? Aah! Ansem, let go. NOW."

"No. If I do, we'll both get hurt. I'm not letting you go until we're found."

"This is ridiculous."

"I won't let go."

A few days later, Maleficent arrived at Hollow Bastion to discover the Heartless in an uproar. From their frenzy, she was able to glean that Ansem and Riku were missing again. Fearing the worst, she checked every small space she could think of. In desperation, she checked the pantry last. She sighed.

Ansem and Riku were both asleep, Ansem leaning against the wall, and Riku held tightly to his chest. Maleficent sighed and shook her head. She left the door open, and walked away.

-

O.o… My friend Runie suggested a pantry when I said I was running out of ideas. I said, "Does Hollow Bastion even HAVE a pantry?" I guess summertime band practices have their uses after all.

But now I'm really out of ideas. There aren't many small spaces in Hollow Bastion, dammit!


	4. Chapter 4

Nehehe… No comment…

-

"I give up. I just give up."

"Really? Why?"

"I think you know why!"

"Oh really? You don't enjoy this?"

"I told you as much the last time!"

"I would think you would."

"Wha…? Eh? Huh?"

"Loss for words?"

"… … …"

"I'll take that as a yes."

"What's your problem? Bee in your bonnet?"

"Not really. Just felt like being an ass."

"You felt like it. So what's your excuse for the other three times?"

"Um… torture?"

"Don't start that again!"

"I believe you started it last time, Mr. Sexual Torture."

"Shut up!"

"My, you're red. Did you eat something spicy for lunch, perchance?"

"Shut UP!"

"You really ought to stay away from spicy foods. They play merry hell with your digestive tract. Like, this one time, Maleficent ate tacos for lunch, and—OOF!"

"Would it kill you to be quiet for five minutes?"

"That was my stomach, you bastard!"

"If you'd just shut up once in while, I—"

"… … …"

"I thought I told you to stop doing that."

"I didn't really want you to finish that sentence."

"I know I told you to stop doing that."

"Every time you open your mouth, it ends in pain for me."

"I told you to stop doing that, but did you listen? No."

"Uh… Riku, what are you doing? Riku… Riku. Riku! Wake up! It's close enough in here as it is!"

"You just wouldn't listen, Ansem. You simply wouldn't listen."

"Oh, sh—"

"Aaah!"

"Riku, what is it?"

"I had the worst dream… I dreamed we were stuck in a closet again, and you kissed me again, and I tried to kill you, but I slipped, and landed on you again…"

"Um, it wasn't a dream."

"What? Gah!"

"You've been unconscious like that for the past hour. I didn't move, because I figured one of us would have gotten hurt. Most likely me."

"Why?"

"Well… there's a rather large shelf teetering behind you. Were I to move my hand, things would get very close indeed."

"Oh… okay… but would you at least loosen your hold? You're crushing my ribs."

"Not a chance."

"Why?"

"Because I—"

Ansem awoke with a start. He stared at the ceiling of his room and blinked a few times.

"Where the hell did that come from!"

-

Blah. Short chapter, me lazy. Glaring lack of stupid humour. Sudden appearance of obvious yaoi. Sentence fragments in Author's Notes. Deal.


	5. Chapter 5

More crazy suggestions from my friend Rune. (Shrugs) Although RedCrow1120 also suggested this. o.O;; BTW, did anyone know that there's a Kingdom Hearts TCG? I think it's only available in Japan, tho'. But if you go to you can either order a single pack or a whole box! Apparently some of the cards have character drawings on them, so I told my mom to get me a box for X-mas so I have a chance to get Ansem! XD

-

"…Why are you on the same one as me?"

"Saves time."

"How do you know we're going to the same place?"

"…Oh well."

"Hmph."

"… … …"

"What's that sound?"

"What sound?"

"That one… See, there it was again!"

"Hmm… oh shit. We've stopped."

"What!"

"It stopped! It just froze there!"

"Can we get off?"

"You wanna try it?"

"Uh, no! Are there any barriers or anything to keep us from falling off?"

"I don't think so…"

"Eek!"

"Hehehe… rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat!"

"Ansem, quit it! You're gonna make me fall!"

"Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the—OOWW!"

"Bastard!"

"That was my foot, you little shit!"

"Serves you right!"

"Why you little—whoa!"

"Ansem! You idiot! Get back up here! You're making it tilt!"

"Easier said than done, you dork!"

"Hang on, I'll see if I can pull you back up! …Give me your hand!"

"Do you wanna hold my hand?"

"…Do you want to die a really messy and very embarrassing death?"

"No, sir."

"…Hang on…"

"…Well, that was harrowing."

"You moron."

"How the hell am I a moron?"

"Well, let's see… you tell me these things have no barriers to prevent us from falling out, and what do you do? You start rocking it."

"Riku, shut up."

"So you start rocking this, and you fall off. I'm the only person who can pull your sorry ass back on, and you mock me. I'd say you qualify as a grade-A moron."

"Grr…"

"Aah! Ansem, stop! Whoa! QUIT IT!"

"Hehehe… ROCK THE BOAT!"

"Aaah! Stop it!"

"Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat!"

"Seriously! Stop! We'll both fall—WHOA!

"Muahahaha!"

"Ansem, you IDIOT! What did I tell you?"

"Hehehe… are you ticklish?"

"Don't you DARE! Ack! Q-quit it!"

"Riku's ticklish, isn't he? Ack!"

"Well, this is peachy. Now we'll both die a messy, early death. Thank you, ANSEM!"

"Oh, shut up."

"My arms are getting tired. Shit."

"Riku, be quiet."

"Ow! You bastard!"

"Hey, is that Maleficent?"

"It is! MALEFICENT! HEY! The lift froze on us! Now we're stuck!"

"Don't tell her!"

"How else are we—OW!"

Maleficent couldn't believe her eyes. Ansem and Riku were both hanging off the edge of a lift, and both appeared to be trying to kick each other. Either that or they were playing "Chicken." She blinked several times, and reactivated the lift crystal. She stuck her fingers in her ears.

"Ask her to focus on/ Sailors fighting in the dance hall…" she sang as she walked away, trying to ignore Ansem and Riku arguing furiously.

-

Hehehe…


	6. Chapter 6

Credit for this goes to Lost.Kai! And no, they don't do this on purpose. At least, I don't think they do… O.o… I'll get back to you on that… Oh! I know where to find Soldier Heartless plushies! They're expensive, tho'. Like, sixty or seventy bucks. O.o… Ah, I'll be mentioning that site for a while. XD

-

"Ansem, get out of here!"

"How the hell am I supposed to get out? The door locks when you close it!"

"So then why the hell did you shut the door?"

"Screw you."

"Well, this is just lovely."

"At least there're only two of us."

"Three."

"YEEAAGH! Who said that!"

"I did."

"Oh, Hook. It's just you. Why are you in here?"

"I was the first person to come in here. I'd like to know how you two got in here."

"I was looking for a bucket."

"Why?"

"Erm…."

"Hey Riku, why is it you always look green on this ship?"

"Shut up, Ansem."

"No, seriously, every time I see you when you're on Hook's ship, you always have this greenish tinge to your face."

"Shut UP, Ansem!"

"Really? I never noticed."

"Yeah, it's real funny. Whenever I see him anywhere near this ship, he always looks green! I swear he makes a Green Requiem look blue!"

"That's pretty funny!"

"Isn't it, though? OW! MY FOOT!"

"Bastard! I told you to shut up."

"That's no reason to stomp on my foot!"

"I think it's plenty of reason!"

"Why you…"

"Hey! Quit fighting! Ow! That was me!"

"Well, get outta the way!"

"Not my fault!"

"Take that, you damn pansy-ass little shit!"

"Ow! I need that eye! Ansem, you suck!"

"Mleah. You deserved it."

"Did not!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Shut up, both of you!"

"Make us!"

"Shut up, or you're not going any further on my ship, you little weasels!"

"Screw you, bastard!"

"Keep your big nose outta this!"

"Yeah! One of these days you're gonna put somebody's eye out!"

"My nose is not that big!"

"Yes it is."

"Is not!"

"Easy, Hook. We're laughing at you, not with you. Or is it the other way around…?"

"We're not really making fun of you. We're just saying you have a big nose."

"I do not!"

"But seriously, you do have a big nose."

"I'll hit you so fucking hard…."

"Language! And stop picking your nose!"

"I wasn't picking my nose!"

"Whatever you say, Big Nose."

"WHAT?"

"Hehehe…"

"Ansem, don't you dare!"

"Hehehe…"

Smee ran as fast as his pudgy legs could carry him. He had heard a gunshot from his captain's cabin. He cautiously knocked on the door.

"Captain? Are you in here?" he asked. When no one replied, he pushed cautiously on the door. He looked around. Nothing seemed unusual… the corner of the rug was turned up near the closet door, which was jumping oddly… wait. Carefully, Smee opened the closet. He jumped aside as Ansem, Hook, and Riku tumbled out.

"Freedom!" Hook cried as he ran away.

"Oh no! Sea!" Riku cried, turning green and sprinting away.

"Oh boy! Discomfort!" Ansem yelled, chasing after Riku. Smee merely stared.

-

XD Muahaha… This is so much FUN! Almost as fun as reading yaoi lemon fics! Eep! You didn't see that! (Uses mind-wipe technique she copied from RedCrow1120) Hehehe… Sasuke has a use after all! Sharingan wheel-eye rocks! Like Monty Python! (Hint hint)


	7. Chapter 7

This is a combo thingy of the suggestions from Hikari-Aoi and Scorch the Hedgehog! Danke! Some of the innuendo came from two of my friends trying to get someone's clarinet apart after band class. My friend Rune is gonna write part 8, so I don't know if this'll get updated on time.

I'm thinking about changing my penname to Tetsuya Kitase. I know Tetsuya is a guy's name, but I like it anyway. I'll probably change it on this site when I update next week, just so you know.

-

"Yes… I think I'm finally safe from… Aah! Ansem, what the hell are you doing in here?"

"Nothing. What are **you **doing in here?"

"Hiding from you!"

"Um… meow?"

"Aah! Sora! What the hell?"

"I was wondering the same thing myself!"

"Well, I was just exploring, found this hole, and found you two in it! So what **are** you two doing in here?"

"Shut up, Sora."

"Don't tell me to shut up, Riku!"

"Uh… I don't think it would be all that wise to start fighting in here…"

"Keep your nose outta this, Ansem!"

"Yeah, this goes way back!"

"Guys, **please** don't start fighting in here! I'd like to keep my eyes, thanks! And any other body parts I happen to have!"

Outside, Maleficent had her ear pressed to the ceiling. She was standing on the back of a Behemoth, curious about the loud thumping noises coming from the ceiling, and wanted to know if they were mice, Heartless, or, once again, Ansem and Riku.

"Ow! Sora, get that out of there!"

"I can't, it's stuck!"

"That doesn't belong there!"

"Rrrgh, I'm trying!"

"Aah! Sora!"

"I just can't hold on!"

Maleficent made a face. What the hell were they doing?

"Sora!"

"Be quiet, Riku! Someone'll hear this!

"Ansem, get out of it!"

"Well Sora, you've kind of blocked the exit. So I'm stuck here because of you and Riku!"

Maleficent's expression went from disgusted to horrified in a second.

"Riku!"

"Sora!"

"Would you guys shut up already?"

"I can't help it!"

"Shut up, Ansem!"

"Ow!"

"That's it! Sora, put that thing away right now or else I'm gonna break it!"

"No! I need this!"

"Well we don't! And you don't need it now!"

Maleficent's eye twitched horribly. Her entire body began twitching as the thumping noises escalated. A few cracks began forming in the ceiling as the sounds reached a crescendo.

"Ow, ouch, ow! That doesn't go there, Sora! Go the other way! Back up! Reverse, reverse!"

"You're not helping, Ansem!"

"You morons!"

"Hey wait! Don't put your hand there! The ceiling's—"

(All) "Aah!"

The ceiling gave way, and the trio nearly landed on Maleficent. However, the witch, displaying an unusual amount of common sense, had made the Behemoth move, so Ansem, Sora, and Riku fell to the floor some twenty or thirty feet below. Maleficent peered into the hole in the ceiling.

The three of them had been stuck in a tiny crawlspace that no one really knew existed. The Keyblade had somehow gotten wedged in an upright position right in the middle, making it very hard for anyone to get around it. She blinked several times.

"Hey Maleficent?" Sora asked. "Can I have my Keyblade back?"

Still a little confused, Maleficent freed the Keyblade and tossed it down to Sora, who edged out of the room. Riku, looking rather red, inched out as well. Ansem stood, and crossed his arms, glaring up at Maleficent.

"Did you hear anything?" he growled.

"N-no," Maleficent stammered.

"Good. Let's keep it that way, shall we?"

With that, Ansem left the room with extreme dignity, despite the fact that he was coated from head to toe in thick gray dust. Maleficent waited until he was a good ways away and had shut the door; then she burst out laughing.

"Save it for parties, Maleficent," she said to herself. "Save it for parties."

-

Whee! Maleficent has herself some nice blackmail options now, doesn't she? And that's not even counting the other five times she found Ansem and Riku stuck in a small space! XD That was some horrible innuendo, huh? Yeah, it comes from this one time after a band rehearsal. My friends Rune and Thatz were trying to take apart Thatz's clarinet, and I had my back to them, cuz I was putting away my sax. The next thing I hear is something like this:

"It goes that way."

"Oh shit, it's stuck."

"You idiot!"

"It's not my fault! …There! Got it!"

I turned around, and Rune was holding one end of Thatz's clarinet. So I says, "That really sounded wrong, you guys. And you thought I said stupid things all the time?"

True story, I swear by my Tonberry plushie. I love my Tonberry plushie… I huggles it, and cuddles it, and threatens my mom with it… She thinks he's creepy!


	8. Chapter 8

Hikari-Aoi suggested this, and I thought, "OMG, I **have **to use this! It's too yummy to wait!" XD And I kinda do need ideas… T.T

-

"Hey Riku."

"S-shut up."

"You look a bit chilled."

"S-sh-shut up!"

"Why, I do believe you're turning blue."

"D-d-dammit, Ansem!"

"Mind if I make fun of your stutter?"

"Y-y-yes, I m-mind!"

"Oh. You sure?"

"Q-q-quite certain, th-th-thanks."

"Oh, ick!"

"Y-you j-j-just said 'Ick.'"

"Something dripped on me. Ooo, it went down my shirt! Cold, cold, cold!"

"Ha ha."

"Shut up, you. You can't even talk properly."

"Sh-shut up."

"Ick! It dripped again!"

"S-so m-m-move, you id-d-d-iot." **(1)**

"Ick! Ick, ick, ick! That is fucking COLD!"

"Id-d-d-iot."

"How would you like to have something cold dripping down your back? Of course, that might make your stutter worse…"

"Ansem, d-d-don't you d-d-dare!"

"Relax, I wasn't gonna do anything. Donkey-porker."

"D-d-don't start th-th-that again!"

"Ick!"

"W-w-would you q-q-quit saying th-that? Y-y-you sound s-s-so stupid."

"Like you don't?"

"S-shut up."

"Hey, who's the idiot in a sleeveless shirt? 'Not I,' said the goat."

"W-w-well, s-s-some of us c-come from a w-w-w-warm place, and d-d-don't have to w-w-wear two or th-th-three layers of c-c-clothing at once."

"Then you should try dressing for the weather according to THIS WORLD, not your little tropical thingy."

"Th-th-this c-c-c-coming f-from the g-g-guy who always h-h-has his ch-ch-chest exposed. Th-th-that m-m-m-makes it sound l-like an insult."

"Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it."

"Sh-shut up."

"Your stutter is getting worse."

"Sh-sh-sh-shut up!"

"How long have we been down here again?"

"I d-d-d-don't know!"

"Don't bite my head off just because you're cold!"

"Oh, j-j-j-just sh-sh-shut up, w-w-will y-you?"

"But seriously, your stutter is getting worse."

"I'm f-f-freezing!"

"I can tell."

"J-j-just be q-q-q-quiet."

-A few hours later-

"Ick!"

"… … …"

"Ick!"

"… … …"

"Ick!"

"S-s-stop it!"

"But it's cold!"

"At-t-t l-l-least say s-s-something else."

"…Like what?"

"I d-d-d-don't know! D-d-damn, I'm f-f-freezing!"

"Ooh! That's bloody cold! …Riku!"

"H-h-hey, you're w-w-warm!"

"Let go of me! You're gonna make me cold!"

"Y-y-y-you're m-m-mean."

"Hmph."

-About an hour, I guess-

"Brr…"

"N-n-now **y-you're** c-c-cold, h-h-huh?"

"And you're stuttering on every word."

"Grr…"

"Rrrgh, shivers… I hate the cold."

"S-s-s-so w-w-why d-do y-you l-live h-h-here?"

"Hell, I don't know! Because I'm crazy!"

"N-n-now wh-who's b-b-b-biting wh-whose h-h-head off?"

"Cold makes me bad tempered, so shut up!"

"Mmmph… s-s-so c-c-cold… Y-y-you're n-n-not, th-th-though…"

"I'm not sure I like where this is going… Again! What is your problem? Why do you like clinging to me?"

"B-b-because y-y-you're w-w-warm."

"Riku, so help me God…"

"N-n-no! D-d-don't! I'll f-f-freeze t-to d-d-death, or r-r-rattle m-my b-b-brains out m-my ears!"

"Rrgh…"

"P-p-please, Ansem? I'm f-f-freezing!"

"Fine!"

"Hnn… S-s-so s-sleepy…"

"Riku! Riku! Hey! HEY! Don't fall asleep on me!"

"… … … …"

"RIKU! If you fall asleep in the cold, you might never wake up! …Shit. Goddamn you."

"… … … …"

-

Once again, Maleficent returned to find the castle on its ears. She searched high and low, from small spaces to large spaces (but mostly small ones.) She smacked one of the stone gargoyles near the fountain with the head of her staff in frustration, and to her surprise it opened. She blinked and shivered as a blast of cold air hit her square in the face.

With a feeling of trepidation, Maleficent slowly started down the tunnel, hand on the wall. She neared the end of the tunnel and found herself in a small cavern. Looking around, she observed a huddled form against the wall. She walked over to investigate, and discovered it to be, who else, Ansem and Riku. From the looks of things (Riku clinging tightly to Ansem and Ansem holding Riku) Riku had gotten cold, and started clinging to Ansem. Small white clouds forming around their faces from their breath were the only indications they still lived.

Hurriedly, Maleficent called a group of Defender Heartless, and they took the troublesome two to a room. A few hours after the Heartless left, Ansem awoke. He looked around, and saw Riku a few feet away, huddled under several blankets. Ansem shook his head, and pulled the covers up higher over Riku before leaving the room.

-

o.o;; Er… um… that didn't turn out quite like I'd intended… more romance than actual humour. Oops. Oh well. Even if it wasn't exactly what I had in mind, I thought the ending was kinda kawaii. O.o;;


	9. Chapter 9

Hehehe… I know I said my friend would be writing this chappie, but I just had to write it myself! XD Three bishies in a small area… yummy. And Scorch the Hedgehog also suggested this, but I've been planning on this for a while now.

-

"Ouch… It's kind of cramped in here…"

"You're telling me."

"Sephiroth, you and your damn wing…!"

"What?"

"You just smacked me in the face with it!"

"I'm sure you deserved it, Riku."

"Screw you."

"Is that an invitation?"

"Down, Ansem. There's not enough room in here."

"Shut up."

"Dammit, Sephiroth!"

"What? What did I do?"

"Your stupid wing!"

"Not my fault! I can't help having the damn thing!"

"What, like Riku can't help having a big mouth and an even bigger ego?"

"You're still pissed about the cave thing, aren't you?"

"Of COURSE I'm still pissed! I didn't think you'd tell anyone, but no, you had to go blabbing it all over the castle!"

"What's the cave thing?"

"Never you mind, Sephiroth."

"What? Come on, you can tell me!"

"No!"

"Tell me."

"No!"

"He won't tell you. He smacked Hook round the face when Hook said something about that time in the closet."

"RIKU!"

"Ow!"

"What happened in the closet?"

"Not saying a thing!"

"Something I should know about?"

"No, it's not! And if Riku mentions it again, I'm gonna kill him!"

"Come on, it can't have been that bad!"

"It was worse."

"RIKU! Would it kill you to keep your mouth shut once in a while?"

"Ha ha. Ow! You hit me again!"

"Of course I hit you again! You won't shut up!"

"Dammit… SHOVE!"

"Mmph!"

"…Sorry, Sephiroth. Damn you, Riku!"

"Hey, do that again!"

"Eh!"

"Yeah, do that again!"

"Sephiroth, you perv!"

"What can I say? He's good at that."

"And a GUY!"

"So?"

"Sephiroth, you fag!"

"I'm not a fag, he's just good at that."

"Did it ever occur to you that there's no room in here for that?"

"Shut up, Riku."

"Just keep it in your pants."

"Aah! And keep _that_ out of mine!"

"Ha ha."

"Shut up, Riku! Sephiroth, keep your hands to yourself!"

"Aw, come on."

"Hey, if you two could wait until we get out of here, I'd be much obliged."

At this point Maleficent, who was being very careful to keep her eyes and ears open, happened to overhear them. She grinned, sensing another blackmail option. The idea had been growing on her.

However, the start of some… questionable… noises made her yank open the door to the small cupboard under the stairs. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped.

Ansem was squirming uncomfortably, trying to avoid Sephiroth. Riku was laughing his ass off, at least until Sephiroth's wing smacked him in the face again and he got a mouthful of black feathers. Sephiroth, meanwhile, was trying to grab Ansem's arm.

"What the hell?" Maleficent yelled. The three almost instantly fell over and Ansem scrambled away from Sephiroth. Maleficent noticed a small tear near the collar of his shirt.

"Somebody keep that mad rapist away from me!" he cried, pointing to Sephiroth. He stood and ran off.

Maleficent and Riku turned to Sephiroth.

"We're not letting you drink anymore," Riku said.

"We're cutting you off. This always happens. Who was it last time?" Maleficent asked.

"Mmm… I forget," said Sephiroth, now revealed to be completely drunk.

-

Eh… I have no idea. Please don't ask. Well, there's the space under the stairs, for whoever suggested it! I kinda forgot. My bad. XP

Oh yes. For those of you who had ideas, sorry, but I'm killing this fic next chapter. You can still give them to me, who knows, I might use them. Just don't get your hopes up.

Oh yeah, I was on a sabbatical again cuz I fired all my old muses and got a new set. And wouldn't you know it, the new ones wouldn't work, damn them! So I took a sabbatical. But I was in Indiana one weekend, so I couldn't update anyway. That was, incidentally, the start of the sabbatical.


	10. Chapter 10

Ah, yes. The last chapter. It's been a long road for this little fic what grew from a goofy oneshot to whatever you'd call it now, full of small spaces, muse cop-outs, and anything else you could put here. And to celebrate (or mourn) the end, I write this like a regular fic and with one hand, cuz the other has bread in it. Haha. Fear the mild fluffiness.

-

Riku sighed as he looked around the massive room, plainly a ballroom. The walls, ceiling, and floor were a soft golden colour, and large glass doors opened out onto a large balcony. These, however, were locked. So were the main door and all the windows. In short, any and all ways out of the room were blocked or shut tight. Riku shook his head, wondering how he'd gotten himself into this one.

It was by far not the first time he'd been stuck in a small space with Ansem, oh, hell no. It was actually the tenth time, and the only difference was that the space was large. Which to Riku was a good thing indeed. He glanced over at Ansem, who was scratching the tip of his nose. He suppressed the urge to snicker at him, instead turning his attention to the ceiling.

Multiple cherubs winged, scampered, and frolicked their way over the large golden expanse, all looking quite angelic and whatnot. Most of them were emerging from clouds, and had cleverly placed censorship over the naughty bits. Riku wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"What stinks?"

Riku jumped slightly at the sound of Ansem's voice; nearly twenty minutes had passed and neither had spoken.

"What do you mean?" Riku asked suspiciously.

"You look like you smell something foul," Ansem said rather disinterestedly. Riku shook his head.

"Look up," he said. Ansem complied, and also made a face.

"Whoever decorated this place sure had shitty taste," he sneered disgustedly.

"And no interest in entertainment," Riku said. Ansem cocked an eyebrow at him. "There's absolutely nothing interesting here. The only thing to do is make fun of the cherubs."

"Well, this **is** a ballroom. You're not supposed to do much in here but dance," Ansem replied with a shrug as he turned his eyes to the ceiling again. "Hey, that cherub looks like he's drunk."

"Which one?"

"The one on the left. See him? The one with the idiotic expression on his face?"

"They all look pretty stupid."

"Yes, but that one looks particularly vapid and dim," Ansem insisted, pointing. Riku followed the direction of his finger, and frowned.

"You mean that one coming out of the cloud?" he asked, squinting.

"Yeah."

"Hey, you're right!"

The two passed some of the time pointing out various stupid-looking cherubs, each one looking dumber than the last. Soon, though, they'd said everything there was to be said about the cherubs, and lapsed into silence.

Riku continued staring around, looking for something interesting. To no avail, of course. He gave a frustrated cry.

"This place is so dull!" he cried.

"It's a ballroom. Whaddya expect?" Ansem grumbled. "Try dealing with them every godforsaken week."

"Huh?"

"Picture this place with a bunch of overdressed, show-offish nobles and some really shitty violins. Now imagine dealing with that every week."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

They were silent for a moment.

"Did you actually have to dance?" Riku asked, wondering if he'd be able to poke fun at Ansem again.

"Gods, yes. Hated every minute of it," Ansem groaned. "And the damn noblewomen kept stepping on my toes with those damn pointy shoes of theirs. I never did like it."

"Not surprising."

"You try dancing with a klutz sometime."

"You mean Sora?"

They laughed, and Riku was surprised that Ansem was actually acting like a normal person.

"You mean you were any better?" Riku teased.

"Of course I was!" Ansem looked affronted. "I had a knack for it, even if the women were clumsy."

Riku snorted. "You? A dancer? Don't make me laugh." Ansem frowned.

"You don't believe me?" he said, sounding angry.

"Nope," Riku said insolently.

"I'll fix you," Ansem said, getting to his feet. He strode over to Riku and pulled him up. He grabbed Riku's hand and put it at his hips, taking hold of his other.

"What the hell are you doing?" Riku demanded, turning red.

"Proving I can dance!" And with that, Ansem started to spin Riku around in a slow waltz. Riku blushed harder as Ansem's hips brushed lightly against his. "You're turning red again."

"Shut up."

After a while, Riku started to relax. _This feels right, somehow,_ he thought. Then he mentally chastened himself. However, after a few minutes of being held up against Ansem, he gave in and simply leaned on Ansem.

Ansem noticed Riku's actions and stopped. "Don't fall asleep on me," he growled.

"Oh, shut up. Just shut up and hold me," Riku replied, closing his eyes and resting his head against Ansem's chest.

Ansem smiled. "Thought you'd never ask," he murmured.

-Owari-

Yep. The end. I hate endings, don't you? Anyway, the offer from chappie nine still stands. Give me good ideas, I might use 'em, you might see 'em. Don't hold your breath. So ja ne for now! 4-6-4-9!


End file.
